What's Left of Us Read online

  I laugh. “Sorry. It’s just, last night you surprised me with a house. I’m not sure what can top that.”

  He takes a deep breath. “When Mark showed me the house, the first thing that popped into my head was how we’ll have all this space to fill.” I can see the tension in the small lines forming around his eyes.

  “What are you saying?”

  He runs his hand through his hair and swallows hard. “Maybe it’s time we think about adding to the Jackson family.”

  “Like a dog?” I raise an eyebrow. It’s a joke, but one I hope eases the tension in his eyes.

  “No.” He gives me a weak smile. “What if we considered the idea of starting a family? I mean, it’s probably not going to happen overnight, but I think it’s time we discuss our options. Look into what’s available for us.”

  I don’t realize I’m holding my breath until I suddenly feel lightheaded. Forcing myself to breathe, I brace against the armrest. “You mean … you want us to have a baby?”

  He nods. Before I can say anything, he reaches for my arms, almost as if he knows what my reaction will be: passing out.

  I kind of feel as if I might.

  A baby.

  Are we ready to have a baby?

  Am I ready to have a baby?

  “What … do … think … baby?”

  I can see Parker’s mouth moving, but I don’t catch every word that comes out. My mind is foggy. One mention of the word baby and I’ve gone blank.

  “Earth to Aundrea,” Parker laughs, giving my arm a little shake.

  “I’m sorry.” I try and collect my thoughts before saying anything further—or, rather, something stupid.

  He looks so hopeful with his big boyish grin and wide eyes gazing at me, waiting for my response.

  “I … um, I …”

  I wait for my brain to catch up with my mouth. I try to calm my breathing, but can’t. My hands feel clammy and I can’t feel my toes. My entire body has gone numb.

  “I’m sorry, what?” I know what, but maybe I’ve mistaken. Maybe he really asked me what I thought of Peggy, the new librarian at our local library.

  “I said, what do you think about having a b-a-b-y? Baby.” My chest heaves with each second that passes without saying anything. “Aundrea, listen to me. I know what you’re thinking.” He has no idea. “We’re in this together. It’s you and me. No one else—only us.”

  “I don’t know what to say.” I’m stunned.

  “Aundrea, these last three years everything has been fine.”

  He means my health.

  I wasn’t expecting this conversation right now. Having a baby is something I’ve always wanted, and I knew being with Parker meant that dream was possible. He’s given me life again, and I want nothing more than to give him the same. Of course we’ve talked about kids, but we’ve talked about a lot of things over the last three years. We’ve shared every dream, hope, and fear, and have been each other’s biggest supporter in all of it.

  Parker’s eyes soften. He takes my hands in his. “I want us to build our family. I believe we’re ready to have a baby. I know we are. You are. There is nothing to be afraid of,” he reassures me. “Your last appointment with Dr. Olson went so smoothly and so did your last heart scan. I want a baby with you, Aundrea.” He takes a deep breath and lets it out before adding, “There is nothing more I want in life than to start a family with you. To live out our dreams together.”

  I nod, slowly processing his words. “Can I have some time to think about it?”

  His face falls, but he quickly recovers. “Of course.”

  “I want this Parker. I do, I promise.”

  “But?”

  “There are no buts. I assure you. I just ... Give me a little time, please.” I need to collect all the thoughts that are swimming around inside my head right now.

  “What has you spooked? Talk to me.”

  Everyone has that one fear. The one they can’t shake, no matter what. Being a cancer survivor has made me a better woman—a stronger woman, even. My heart condition doesn’t even scare me. If anything, I believe my heart is the strongest it’s ever been. But being faced with one of your biggest fears, and the realization that you are living with an incurable condition that could take you away from your family in an instant … that scares me.

  Leaving them.

  “It’s not only me I have to think about.”

  He nods, knowing exactly what I mean.

  The steam covering the mirror distorts my face. With one stroke, I wipe a path to show hazel eyes, pink lips, and round, healthy cheeks. I drop my towel and study my reflection. My hips are wider than they were when I was sick, my stomach a little fuller, and my arms show a little muscle definition. The woman that stares back at me is healthier, thanks to the right diet from a nutritionist and a husband who gives her all the activity she can handle. The woman I’m looking at not only feels happy, but looks it too.

  Pinning my wet hair back, I leave it to air dry in the beachy waves I like.

  When my hair started to grow back after chemo, it was much lighter than the strawberry blonde it used to be: mostly blonde, with a few glints of red shining in the sunlight. It was also less curly.

  Finding a pair of dark, thick tights and my favorite gray sweater dress, I quickly finish getting ready in our empty bedroom. Parker left for work earlier than normal for a staff meeting. He seemed a little cold and standoffish after our conversation last night, but he insisted he was fine and okay with giving me time to think about the idea of having a baby.

  I unpin my hair, shake out the damp waves, and slip into my black boots. Putting on a bit of make-up, I glance in the mirror to give my final approval before grabbing my purse off the kitchen table. I take one last look around to make sure I have everything before heading to the clinic to volunteer.

  At the Mayo Clinic, I give the security guard a quick nod as I pass him and step into the elevator. It’s the same guy, each week. He seems friendly enough, even though we’ve never said more than a few words about the weather.

  My boot heels click softly against the boring white tile of the Oncology floor. I like the way heels look, but I love my flats more, though I’d never say that around Jean. The woman wholeheartedly believes every woman should wear heels daily, no matter their height or what they’re doing.

  Casey, the receptionist, greets me with a smile over the shoulder of the man she’s helping. She’s beautiful, with olive skin and long, silky black hair with straight bangs that frame her heart-shaped face perfectly.

  It took me a while to start volunteering my time here. Coming face to face with others battling cancer and seeing them so vulnerable was difficult. But then I met Amy, a volunteer and cancer survivor who taught me that it’s about giving people hope; encouraging them to keep moving forward and be strong because there is an end to the disease and that end doesn’t have to result in something terrible. Being here is not only inspiring, but rewarding.

  In the employee lounge, I put my things in a locker and put on my red volunteer vest. I pick up the tray of juice and packaged gingerbread cookies, chuckling. I remember the volunteers passing these out when I was getting chemotherapy. As a patient, I never understood the need for it, because patients rarely accept them. Now, though, I see that it’s an icebreaker—an easy way to strike up a conversation. I never force anyone to talk to me or share anything about their cancer that they don’t want to. I just let them know I’m available in case they want to talk. That I know what it’s like to try and protect your friends and family from what you’re feeling.

  In a few strides I’m in the treatment room, and I scan the patients, taking in the familiar faces. Amy’s already here, but instead of wearing the red vest and assisting the patients, she’s reading in a chair, wearing a plain gray T-shirt and jeans.

  She’s been a huge inspiration to me and I’ve grown to really trust and respect her. It’s hard to find someone you connect with who also understands what you have been through
. We’ve become so close, I don’t know what I’d do without her. I still go to Jean, but Amy understands me on a different level.

  “Hi, Dre!” Her face brightens as I approach. Bless her heart, she’s always happy and smiling. I’ve never heard her complain.

  “Hey, you. What are you doing sitting over here?”

  She grins. “I have the day off.”

  “Day off? Do you usually come in on your day off?”

  She laughs, eyes bright. “I had an appointment this morning for a lab draw. Brandon and Ethan ran across the street to get some coffee and a donut before we drop Ethan off at school.”

  I smile. “What are you reading?” I motion at her Nook, changing the topic to one of my favorites.

  It’s one I’ve never heard before. “I just started it while I wait for the boys to come back.”

  “How is it?” I ask, setting the tray down and taking the seat next to her.

  “It’s so good. I’m loving it. Friends turned lovers. I’m a sucker for that.”

  “I love those too.”

  She pulls down the edges of her blue knitted hat with a small white flower on the side, as if trying to disguise the wig she still wears. After Amy finished chemo about a year ago, her hair grew back frail and thin, making it difficult to grow out. She’s been on multiple medications and has seen a few specialists to help, but so far nothing has worked.

  “Enough about my book. Did you get the job?”

  “I did!” I cheer. I recently finished a small internship program at Astrotek Incorporated. During my exit interview they told me about a position that was opening up in the fall, so I applied and was called in for an interview shortly after.

  “That’s awesome!”

  “Thank you. Parker and I are pretty excited. It’s great to already know the staff, so it won’t be awkward being the new girl, and the department I’ll be in works closely with NASA.” I tap my feet on the floor with excitement. I’d love to work for NASA someday, but I would need a PhD in Astrophysics to do what I’d want.

  “Wow.”

  “I know. And my brother-in-law offered me my job back at For the Love of Paws for the summer. I’ll still volunteer here one day a week with you, so that will be nice.”

  “It seems like everything is falling into place for you.”

  “It appears to be.” I take a deep breath. I itch to tell her about last night, but hold off.

  “How was your anniversary?”

  I’m certain my smile can’t get any wider at the mention of that word. “It was beyond wonderful.” I don’t hold back when I tell her about the house, down to the last detail. Still, she senses I’m withholding something.

  She tilts her head and looks at me as if she’s reading into my mind; her eyes dim just a little. “What is it?”

  As I’m about to reply, she smiles broadly and I turn around to see Brandon and Ethan walking in behind me.

  “Hi, Mom,” Ethan says, beaming, practically falling onto Amy’s too-skinny frame.

  “Hey, buddy.”

  “Hi, Aundrea.” Brandon gives me a polite wave and smile.

  “Good morning.” I take in Ethan’s short stature and curly brown hair. “Hi, Ethan, how are you?”

  His little shoulders bounce. “Good.”

  Amy pulls Ethan back into a tight hug.

  “Are you ready?” Brandon asks, rubbing her arm.

  She glances at her watch then back to Brandon. “Yep!”

  “All right, I’ll take Ethan to say hi to Casey while you two finish up.”

  “Can I take a cookie before I go?” Ethan asks, reaching for the tray with expectant eyes.

  “Of course, buddy.” I push the tray closer. “You better take a couple,” I whisper, giving Amy a wink.

  He gives me a devilish smirk and fills his hands. Amy and I watch as the two men in her life walk away. Well, as one walks and the other skips. Ethan’s six and is as nonstop as the Energizer bunny.

  “He adores that lady,” Amy says of Casey. “She’s started babysitting so Brandon and I can have a date night once a week.”

  “Aw, that’s really nice of her. You two need that.”

  “Ethan’s taken a liking to her and I can’t even begin to tell you how good it feels to find someone that he admires so much.”

  “I bet.” We both watch as Ethan laughs at something Casey said. “He’s a good kid, Amy. You must be proud.”

  “I’m beyond proud. I have the best and most supportive husband, a charming and energetic little boy, and I’ve been given the chance to be here with them. I’d say I’m pretty blessed.”

  “I’d say you are, too.”

  “You’ll have all that too someday, Dre.”

  I can’t think of a better time to mention what’s been consuming me since last night. “Actually, speaking of that.”

  “What?” Her ears practically perk up.

  “Last night Parker brought up the idea of us starting a family.”

  “Dre!” she screams, causing heads to turn our way, and I hear Brandon chuckle. “What? Really?”

  “Yes,” I whisper, pleading she take it down a notch.

  “Being a mother is the best thing to have ever happened to me. You’ll make a great mom, Dre. I know it.”

  “Thank you.”

  I take a few short breaths.

  “What is it?”

  Here it goes.

  “Is it strange that getting the news my cancer was back, or that I was diagnosed with a life-long heart condition doesn’t scare me, but having the most important person in my world share the news they want to have a baby with me does? It’s not that I don’t want a baby because I do. But …”

  Amy purses her lips and nods in complete understanding. “I get it. Honestly, I do. It’s a huge decision, and one that involves more than just you and Parker. Being frightened makes you human. Don’t let normalcy scare you, Aundrea. It’s one of the best gifts you could ever be given, aside from love, and I’ll be the first to say I hope to see the day when you’re holding your baby in your arms.”

  I give her an honest smile. That’s just it. Making the decision to have a child means it’s not only about me anymore. I would have another human being to protect and think about.

  To live for.

  “Mommy, can we go now?” Ethan comes running back over, almost falling into her lap again.

  “Yes, honey, Mommy’s coming right now. Why don’t you and Daddy get a head start and I’ll meet you in two minutes?”

  “Okay!” He turns on his green ninja turtle sneakered toes and runs down the hall.

  She turns her attention back to me, but not before giving Ethan a lingering glance. “Seriously, though, Aundrea, I haven’t met one person, myself included, who didn’t have a mini panic attack when they decided to have a baby or found out they were pregnant. Trust me when I tell you, you’re not alone. No one is 100% ready to have a baby, and if they say they are, they’re lying. When I found out I was pregnant with Ethan I was so full of nerves I started puking with the test still in my hands!”

  We laugh.

  Amy begins to stand, Nook in hand. “I’m going to give you some of the best advice I was ever given.”

  I nod. I’ll take any advice she has for me at this point.

  “Our past shapes our future, but don’t plan your future around past hardships. A baby is going to take time, Aundrea. It won’t happen overnight. Don’t let this happy time freak you out. Don’t let your fear hold you back. You’re going to make an amazing mom. Embrace it. You and Parker will learn the joys of parenthood, and it will forever change you, for the better.”

  I stand, pulling her into a hug. “Thank you.” She knows exactly what to say, exactly when I need to hear it.

  “Anytime. Call me and we’ll do coffee soon, okay?”

  “You got it.”

  She walks away, and I watch the smiles on Brandon and Ethan’s faces as she approaches them. Brandon wraps his arm around her tiny waist as Ethan bounces down
the hall a few strides ahead.

  Standing in a room surrounded by patients hooked up to chemo machines as I watch one of my closest friends leave happily with her family, it feels like my past is colliding with my future. Life is all about doing the unimaginable. It’s about taking on new challenges to overcome.

  And I say, bring it on.

  It wasn’t long after I finished chemo that I moved in with Parker. We never exactly talked about it; it just sort of happened. My things slowly showed up at his place, one by one. Then, one night when we were making dinner, I asked, “What do you think of the idea of me moving in?” and he only replied, “I thought you already did,” followed by a wink. We haven’t spent a night apart since.

  Opening the apartment door, I call for Parker. “Anybody home?”

  “In the kitchen.”

  Cupboard doors slam and he grunts. “You okay?”

  “Yeah.” He laughs. “Just fighting with the cabinets.”

  I’m happy, yet anxious to talk to him about the baby idea. To tell him I want to get started with the process as soon as we can.

  I round the corner hurriedly, startling Parker.

  “Sorry!” I shriek, freezing in place.

  “I wasn’t expecting you to come up behind be.” He laughs, placing one hand over his heart. His head dips down then back up again showing his overly large smile.

  I smile. “I’ve been anxious to see you all day.”

  His ears perk and his eyes become sultry as he gazes at me. “Is that so?” In a few short strides he’s standing in front of me.

  A tiny giggle slips through as I teasingly swat his shoulder. “Not in the way you’re thinking.”

  I watch as Parker takes a step back and leans against the counter, posture relaxed. “Enlighten me then.” The corners of his mouth are upward in a sly grin.

  “I’ve been thinking a lot today about us having a baby … I’ve been thinking about everything, quite honestly.”

  Letting out a small breath, Parker pushes himself off the counter. All playfulness has slipped away. “Listen, I didn’t bring up having a baby to freak you out, and if you really want to wait, we’ll wait. We’ll wait for as long as you need or want to. When you’re ready, I’ll be here.” He kisses the top of my head, rubbing small circles on my arm.